God to Noah: ‘Yay, our ark must have 4 bees. The normal bees and the historian bees. And let the historian bees rest in the ark hive.’
Drunk on fortified wine singing to my wife. Sherry-nading
Alan Smithee is my favourite director so how comes he never does interviews and stuff?
Hooray! Works given me 2 weeks off to eat as much ground meat as I want. I bloody love Pâté-rnity Leave
All my son wanted to do this Easter was play Minecraft. Chip off the old block.
Let’s make the next song pitch perfect,’ said the shark on drums. ‘Leave it to me,’ replied the guitar tuna.
My new job is manufacturing unattributed quotes for the Daily Mail – said a close friend.
Shy people at the theatre – always getting the reserved seats
I just threw a patronising hustler out a plane. Condescending condescending.
The David Bowie train service is awful. 4 hours and 5 different trains to get from London to Brighton. Too many Choo-choo-ch-Changes. (interestingly, NO-ONE liked this one and I still bloody love it. I’ve heard so many people, comedians especially, riffing on the chu-chu-chu-changes that I wanted to try something different.)
I’ve created a chastity belt for men that can only be opened by the pleasing sound of wind instruments. I call it ‘Oboe Locks’.
A music critic has said all songs of the 70’s with a groovy, rhythmic beat are absolutely awful. He’s clearly dissed funk tune all.
By day, they maintain the dams of our rivers. But come the full moon they become terrible howling beasts. The dreaded weir wolves.
My door just went to South America, took over all the countries and stole all their silver. It’s a Conquistidor.
My neighbour kicked over a tin of beans into my yard. I kicked it back. He did it again. So did I. I tire of this constant can-flicked
Does anyone else remember Quango Leap – the less succesful spin off of Quantum Leap?
Kicked a volcanic island too hard – crack a toe AAAARGH!
A witch told me that one of my legs was permanently dirty. She knew about my dusty knee.
You have to travel to a town in South Ireland to dispose of antique flutes. It’s a long way to tip a rare reed.
My parents started using vegetables as sex toys after dads operation. Mum really loves pa’s snip.
Doctors can talk rubbish sometimes. You can’t cure pneumonia by glueing small change onto your ceiling. Tut! Penny ceilin’. Useless.
Doctors in A&E tend to hide between cases so they can be the best at a medical emerge and see.
Fed up with my garden always drying out so I moved to a hill made of astroturf. The grass is always greener on the rubber side.