Best o’me Twitter Puns March to May


God to Noah: ‘Yay, our ark must have 4 bees. The normal bees and the historian bees. And let the historian bees rest in the ark hive.’

Drunk on fortified wine singing to my wife. Sherry-nading

Alan Smithee is my favourite director so how comes he never does interviews and stuff?

Hooray! Works given me 2 weeks off to eat as much ground meat as I want. I bloody love Pâté-rnity Leave

All my son wanted to do this Easter was play Minecraft. Chip off the old block.

Let’s make the next song pitch perfect,’ said the shark on drums. ‘Leave it to me,’ replied the guitar tuna.

My new job is manufacturing unattributed quotes for the Daily Mail – said a close friend.

Shy people at the theatre – always getting the reserved seats

I just threw a patronising hustler out a plane. Condescending condescending.

The David Bowie train service is awful. 4 hours and 5 different trains to get from London to Brighton. Too many Choo-choo-ch-Changes. (interestingly, NO-ONE liked this one and I still bloody love it. I’ve heard so many people, comedians especially, riffing on the chu-chu-chu-changes that I wanted to try something different.)

I’ve created a chastity belt for men that can only be opened by the pleasing sound of wind instruments. I call it ‘Oboe Locks’.

A music critic has said all songs of the 70’s with a groovy, rhythmic beat are absolutely awful. He’s clearly dissed funk tune all.

By day, they maintain the dams of our rivers. But come the full moon they become terrible howling beasts. The dreaded weir wolves.

My door just went to South America, took over all the countries and stole all their silver. It’s a Conquistidor.

My neighbour kicked over a tin of beans into my yard. I kicked it back. He did it again. So did I. I tire of this constant can-flicked

Does anyone else remember Quango Leap – the less succesful spin off of Quantum Leap?

Kicked a volcanic island too hard – crack a toe AAAARGH!

A witch told me that one of my legs was permanently dirty. She knew about my dusty knee.

You have to travel to a town in South Ireland to dispose of antique flutes. It’s a long way to tip a rare reed.

My parents started using vegetables as sex toys after dads operation. Mum really loves pa’s snip.

Doctors can talk rubbish sometimes. You can’t cure pneumonia by glueing small change onto your ceiling. Tut! Penny ceilin’. Useless.

Doctors in A&E tend to hide between cases so they can be the best at a medical emerge and see.

Fed up with my garden always drying out so I moved to a hill made of astroturf. The grass is always greener on the rubber side.


Batman vs Superman vs ?????

You all know how well connected I am. Yes you do. Yes you do. I got the Hollywood connections, I got the superstar connections, the music people and the – I got the Hollywood connections yeah I do. Anyway, yeah, I’ve found out who the suprise villain is in the upcoming Batman vs Superman film.


Naughty ATM #1

Finally, after years of legal wrangling I’ve secured the rights for all works of my great uncle Luther Samjam. This does, of course, include the legendary strip ‘Naughty ATM’. It’s been so long since this comic has been in print that it’s hard to remember that back in the 80’s it was a worldwide sensation, with T-shirts, books, animations and even a major Hollywood blockbuster (with Emilio Estevez playing the part of Naughty ATM)

So to celebrate I’m proud to present the first ever Naughty ATM comic strip – first published in ATM Monthly (Britain’s Most Popular Monthly ATM Magazine) in December 1983.


Change It Up Week 13 – Music to my ears

Find out more about ‘Change It Up’ here

“Before the podcast, before computer games and back to back episodes of Breaking Bad on Netflix people used to entertain themselves with music.”

“Moo-sick? Was that watching cows vomit Grandad? Was that what you did in the weird old days before going out to drink all the world’s petrol every evening?”

“Listen, you idiot. Music is a thing of beauty, and I’ll tell you a story of someone who nearly lost sight of that beautiful truth”

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First Year of Writing – M’Learnings

I’ve been writing all my life. Fighting for little scraps of time here and there to write all these ideas fizzing in my head. But this year there’s been a crucial difference.

This year I’ve had at least one day a week to dedicate to writing and it’s wonderful. It’s sometimes frightening and overwhelming. I feel like I’m still learning my way, and there is a whole lifetime of learning ahead. This year I’ve made some baby steps into becoming the writer I want to be. And I’d like to share what I’ve discovered – in the hope that it might help (or resonate) with fellow writers and writers-to-be.

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Change It Up Week 12 – Write a Song

Find out more about ‘Change It Up’ here

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away I used to get up on various stages in London and wield one of those electronic guitar thingies and scream into the microphone about girls, love, religion, popcorn, my new shoes (no – hang on that’s Paolo Nutini) and other rock and roll things.

It was a great, exciting, drunken part of my life that stopped because –  life, innit. I wrote my last song at the age of twenty-four and played my last gig at the age of twenty-five. After that, it was drinking bottles of whisky and telling my former band members that I was retired, no matter how much they begged me to come back.

So after sobering up, wiping the dust off my rusty guitar and going through an intensive training course did I manage to produce a Bohemian Rhapsody?  Or was it a Bohemian Crapsody? (sorry)

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Happy New Ye – what?!? It’s the 20th Jan already!

I’ve been absent from for a couple of months, mainly due to working extra hours and giving myself a month off from writing. Hmm – when I write the words ‘take a month off from writing’ I get a flash image of a deep, sad, pale poet who has to take time away from his art because it is killing him and getting in the way of his serious drink problem (This same poet has only written five words of his Opus Magnus as well). Ok, ok – that is not what I mean by taking some time off. My time off was just to give me time to sort out some incredibly boring mundane jobs. You know – life stuff.

But now we’re nearly through January and I temporarily lost my writing mojo because I deliberately put it down and thought it would be easy to pick back up again. I was wrong about that.  It’s back now, but it’s a little bit sensitive and damaged. I won’t neglect it again.

So hello 2014, you look very exciting and chipper! I’ve got my pens ready and a billion sheets of blank paper I want to fill up with exciting new ideas.